I think that I have evolved past the BorderlineMartyr. My blogs only have so long of a shelf life.
My life changes to often to keep and relate to one blog, but I think this is the best one I've had yet.

I don't update, but I think it's time for me to start yet another chapter in my life.

I'll update with the URL of my new one once I think up a relevant username to this chapter of my life.

 

-Edit-

 

Maybe I miss having something to pour my ridiculous heart in when I want it.

I think I'll start using this again.

Why is it that I dream and dream of something?
Why must I covet and lust after things that I don't have?
That precious time could be used to strengthen what I do have.

-----

And he stared.

He stared with eyes that held a lifetime full of wisdom. Underneath his furrowed brow, his never ending pupils bore into me, leaving impressions of fire on my skin wherever his glance landed.

A slow blink, and his eyes were downcast. The storms of his past seemed to race across his beautiful eyes, and then in a second they were gone. I watched his eyes dance in a minuscule fashion, and then let a harsh breathe escape me when his eyes flashed back up to mine.

I happily feed of the passion that his eyes held.

I never try to let my depression get the best of me. I've been down that road before, and I've been that person who didn't do anything about it. Sometimes I think that you don't have to live with depression if you don't really want too. I don't really think you need medication, either.

I've had depression since I was young, and I was 5 or 6 the first time I remember having a 'depression attack'. I don't call it anxiety attacks because I didn't feel anxious or panicky. These attacks that I had made me feel as if time slowed down and that I was really alone. I would feel the urge to hide somewhere small and dark, and I'd want to wallow is what I was feeling. Being young, I didn't really understand anything about it. I didn't understand what I was feeling until I sat and thought about what I was feeling when I was older. I was maybe 13 at the time, and I was laying in my bed. It was about 3 or 4 in the morning. During that specific summer, I didn't sleep. I was discovering myself that summer in more ways than one, and I realized when I felt like this, it was loneliness. That cold sinking feeling was Loneliness. That urge to hide somewhere small and dark was me reacting to being lonely.

The only way I remember dealing with it was by being distracted. When I was younger, someone would find me alone somewhere against a wall or on the playground and distract me. I'd completely forget about what I was feeling and run off to do whatever it was I was invited to do. That also kept with me even now that I'm an adult.

I'm at the age now where whenever I find myself reflecting back and wondering why I am the way I am, I realize that I'm not really different than when I was 5 or 6. I'm no different than when I was a child. The phrase "I'm a product of my upbringing" is true and false at the same time. I am who I am today because of how I was raised, but I also am who I am today because of how I wasn't. It's hard to explain.. my brain is scrambled.

--------------

I put a spacer because I'm completely jumping to the reason I even wrote the above.

The reason I'm trying to type everything out is because for the first time in my life, my depression has beat my answer. I learned when I was 18 that if I wake up in the morning, go to work, work all day, come back, go to bed, and repeat that schedule, my depression was non-existent until I had a reason to feel depressed. (Canada was crazy.(

For the first time, my schedule has failed to relieve me of my depression. For the first time in my life, I'm feeling like I did when I was younger only WORSE.

The energy that I have been lacking is absolutely horrible. The passions I've held are lost to me now. My computer lays there covered in dust. My sketch book and pencils hold NO interest for me.

I was reading frantically. I finished two 500 page books in a week. Now, I barely finish a chapter.

All I want to do is lay in bed and barely breathe. I never want death, but I don't want life either.

I want to be a zombie.

-------------

I never usually let my depression to overwhelm me. I try my hardest to win against my depression. I try my best to make sure that I'm not affected by my depression... but lately, all I've wanted to do is let my depression slip over me like a cold blanket. I want to succumb, and I want to close my eyes and let it devour me.. as if my depression was a beast.

I can't help but feel like my depression is it's own entity.

-----------

I don't think my birth control that I've recently started to take is the cause of this, either. I'll have to look out for that in case for some reason it is. It's been said to make you emotional, but I'm feeling quite the opposite.

I'm not taking BC at this precise moment, either. It's another reason why I'm counting it out of the equation.

------------

The silk screams across my wrists and thighs.

The frigid whispers across my cheeks.